Friday, 2 March 2007

Babies: they look harmless enough....

The same old Berry/mummy tussle over getting changed and dressed this morning reminded me of something my brother-in-law sent me a while back. It feels very true right now (especially the goat bit), and worth sharing!


Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

To discover how the nights will feel:
a. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4-6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
b. At 10pm, put the bag down; set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
c. Get up at midnight and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
d. Set the alarm for 3am.
e. As you can't get back to sleep at 2am, make a cup of tea.
f. Go to bed at 2.45am
g. Get up again a 3am when then alarm goes off.
h. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
i. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
j. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems:
a. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
b. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.
c. Time allowed for this: 5 minutes.

Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child. A full grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight. Pay for everything that the goat eats or destroys.
Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Check out how you will handle feeding an infant.
a. Hollow out a melon and make a small hole for a mouth.
b. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and let it swing.
c. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and spoon them into the swaying melon.
d. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
e. Tip the rest into your lap.
f. Smile

Congratulations - you are now ready to have children.

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